Wednesday, September 19, 2007
LIFE - Mind Of A Mankind - Chapter Twenty-Nine
I LOVE BALI
AND
I DIED IN BALI
"Please tell Impi Gordon and Immi Natalia not to forget Papi."
Mochamad Robi Hussein alias Zulkifli Mahmood (14th December 1995, Bali)
Somewhere in the middle of 1994, Yani and I were at the mini-restaurant during the day taking care of the business. While we were sitting and talking about matters pertaining to our business at the table outside the mini-restaurant next to a pathway, Natalia suddenly spoke to me. Yani was not even in a dazed when that happened. I was not surprised because this happened quite often until I was so accustomed to it. She asked me whether I could give her Rp 20000 because there was a cash shortaged after sending Mbah to see a doctor in her world. She said that Mbah was sitting on an empty chair opposite of her. I asked her what had happened to Mbah and she mentioned that after Mbah had gone back to see her family back in Jogyakarta, Central Java, she became sicked quite oftenly. Natalia had mentioned to me weeks before that Mbah had gone back to her village to visit her family there. So, I told her to take the money from the cash drawer. She went to the cash drawer and put her hands inside it. I noticed that Yani was like in a dazed for about fifteen seconds or so. I did not bother to go near her to see what was happening because I knew that she would not like it; and the employees were busy doing their worked at the front, inside and back in the kitchen of the mini-restaurant. After that, she came back to me and told me that she had taken the money. Mbah had helped her to do that. I just believed her and I told her to take care of Mbah and make-sured that Mbah had enough rest. Natalia kissed me on my cheek and left Yani's body. Yani was in a dazed for a few seconds and I shook Yani's hand to wake her up. Well, we did continue our conversation because she seemed like confused of what to talk about. Later I did not check the cash drawer whether there was a cash shortaged because I did not even know how much was the cash balance or cash in from the sales for that day and I did not even bothered to counter checked it because for me Rp 20000 was a small amount.
We bought a bicycle for Yani to cycle around Kuta when she felt bored at the mini-restaurant. One evening, after she had cycled to a nearby night market to buy some fruits, she told me that she had fallen into a small drainage while cycling. She was aware that she had fallen into the small drainage because the front handle of the cycling was shaky and she was not hurt. She showed me the minor scratched on her lower right leg. After having said that, Yani's familiar voice suddenly changed to Heru's voice and Heru smiled at me. His eyes was wide opened and Heru blamed Soni for shaking the bicycle's front handle while Mami Yani was cycling; and Budi was sitting at the back of the bicycle. Soni wanted to control the bicycle for himself. I laughed and I was a little angry with Soni too for being foolished for it was lucky that this incident had happened at the shortcut route of a small deserted street that Yani had taken. Soni met me and he bit his right forefinger at the corner of his mouth. He looked down and I could see that he was also afraid of me that I might scold him. I told him nicely not to do that again. He looked up at me and said "Sorry. Om Bi" softly and he gave me a happy smile before he left Yani's body.
There was one occasion whereby, Yani was sillied by the dogs while she was riding the bicycle. The dogs were barking all around her and she nearly fell down. Later, Heru told me that the dogs were chasing after Mami Yani because Soni, Budi and Heru were with her. And Mami Yani was not aware of those dogs because Soni, Budi and Heru were riding the bicycle. I saw the dogs were crowding around Yani from a distance while I was sitting at one of the table outside the mini-restaurant. I ran to her but before I reached her, the dogs all went away. I had noticed Yani stopped and stared at the dogs and they all ran away, just like that.
My car broke down one day and I had sent the car for a repaired at the workshop. So, during those periods when I had no car to drive to work, we had to take the public transport called by the local as "Bimo" or a van. While waiting for the "Bimo" by the road side, Heru was talking to me. I asked Heru, how he followed his Mami. Using his hands, he pointed and told me that he could follow Mami Yani by sitting on the her elbows, legs, chest, shoulder and head. I did not understand what he meant by that and I was also puzzled with his explanations. I did not know how to question him anymore, especially about the elbows, legs and chest but I could imagine about how he would follow Yani on her head and shoulders. I had imagined that he would either sit on Yani's head or shoulders. So I asked him where he would normally sit. Heru told me that he would normally sit on Yani's right shoulder.
When it was night time in his world he said that he would on all the lights in the house in his world. He would use a stool to stand on and switched on all the lights and later in the morning when Mbah came to fetch him home to Natalia's home and if he was not at home because he followed me to the mini-restaurant, Mbah would off all the lights for him.
In April 1995, Yani went to Jakarta for two weeks holiday on her own. I stayed behind to take care of our food business. Natalia, Budi, Soni and Heru followed her. Natalia told me that she wanted to see Mbak Margarita and Gordon would stay behind to take care of his business in the spirit's world. Upon their returned, Heru told me that the house of Tante Rita was huge and they had everything. He said that they were chauffeured around in Jakarta in a maroon colour car and he played with the elevators in tall buildings. He also said that Tante Rita had a big stomach and she was unabled to do many things with them. He had enjoyed the train ride from Jakarta to Surabaya; and from Surabaya they took a flight back to Bali. He said that when Impi Gordon saw them returned home, he hugged and kissed all of them.
Heru also told me everything that Mami Yani did while in Jakarta before she even tell me anything. Later, when I narrated to Yani some parts about her holiday in Jakarta, she was totally surprised. Yani had stayed in a small hotel in Jakarta and she went to see her old friends. She also went to an amusement park "Dunia Fantasi" (Fantasy World) in Jakarta at Ancol and she even went to a discotheque in Jakarta alone. There, she met a man. Heru told me all these and when Yani told me what she did in Jakarta, I listened to her like I heard it for the first time. She left out the discotheque and the man she had met there. When I told her about her outing to a discotheque and meeting a man there, she was very shocked. I could see that she felt guilty conscience. She showed me the business card of that man she met in the discotheque. She told me that the man had invited her to his room but she had rejected his offer. He gave her his card should she changed her mind. I was not jealous or angry but I was wondering why she had left that part of the story from me. She thought that I had learned the art of mind reading or I had learned the art of black magic before I knew her. I kept my secret from her about Heru. Heru was liked a spy for me.
A month and the half past then Yani told me that she was pregnant and we went to see a doctor for a medical examination. The doctor scolded me for not sending Yani sooner for the medical examination. I took his scolding and from that day onward Yani went for her medical checked up regularly. We saw on the ultra sonar monitor that the baby was going to be a boy. We were so happy.
It came to my mind about Heru's information about Margarita's stomach that was big and she could not do many things with them. Was Heru implying to me that Margarita was Mami Yani or was he trying to tell me that Mami Yani was already pregnant or was she going to be pregnant?
Adi had a front tooth missing and once Heru had commented to me that Budi had a front tooth missing too. Was he implying to me that Budi was Adi? Was it a coincidence or was it a fictitious story from Heru?
I remembered the comment I had made about 'angels' or 'guardian spirits', that they could cross-over to another human being's mind or getting their Selves involved in humans' lives to do their angelic mission. I am very sure now that souls of humans could do that in the world of Hereafter. I think that was what Heru meant.
One day, Heru asked me for a 'nen-nen' during Yani's pregnancy. He had asked me when he wanted to sleep. So, I told him back then that Mami Yani could give him the 'nen-nen' now and why not asked her. Heru was reluctant at first but I had told him that Mami Yani would not mind at all and she would not scold him. Then he left Yani's body.
After a few minutes while I was still waiting to see what would happen after Heru had requested for that 'nen-nen', I heard Yani talked in her sleep. "What! Oh! So pitiful, come." In her sleep, she pulled-up her T-shirt and opened the right cup of her bra and her right breast was exposed. I was anxious and I observed it very carefully. I had actually seen some slight movements on her right breast's nipple was moving as though someone was suckling it but there was no breast milk coming out of it. Yani even had used her left hand to do stroke motions as though she was stroking someone's head and her face was looking at her right breast but her eyes were closed. At one time Yani had even exclaimed loudly, "Ouch! Don't bite." This went on for a few minutes and then Yani closed up the right cup of her bra and slept quietly. Then Heru came to meet me with his happy childish smile. I asked him whether it was nice and he was smiling shyly but he was happy. So, I told him that the next time he wanted to 'nen-nen', he could just ask Mami Yani for it.
When Yani woke-up from her sleep next morning, I asked her whether she had dreamt anything. She said that she had dreamt of a white boy who told her that he had never 'nen-nen' before because he did not have a mother and then she had breast fed the boy because she felt sympathetic for him.
Once, Heru told me that Mbah had caught him 'nen-nen' on Mami Yani and she had teased him for doing that because he was a big boy already and not a baby anymore. He told me that he felt shameful when Mbah had teased him.
One day, Yani's father, Pak Sardi, and Yani's younger sister, Nuraini, came to Bali. He had wished for Nuraini to be in Bali and continued her studies in Bali. She had completed her SD 6 (Primary School education) and she would like to study in Bali together with her brother, Rosman. She needed to be registered in SMP 1 (Secondary School One) but we had failed to secure her education in Bali because partly our finances were constrained and she would have to wait for another year to be in SMP 1.
I was ashamed of myself for failing my responsibility as a man and as a brother to Nuraini. I regretted for not trying harder to secure her position in a SMP school in Bali. So, during her period of staying with us in Bali, Nuraini had helped us with the house worked and we brought her along to the mini-restaurant once in a while only. We also went out together as a family to various places in Bali.
Usually, everynight before I put Heru to sleep, Heru would climb up on my back as though he was the rider and I was the horse. Heru loved that game. Sometimes he would request for a story but I was not a story teller back then and normally he would tell me about Natalia, Gordon, Soni, Budi or Mbah had done at Natalia's house. Before I lullaby him to sleep, usually I would tell him to say the prayer that I had taught him. Then after that, I would remind him that he should become a child who was healthy, intelligent, that listens and loves Immi, Impi, Mami, Papi, Budi, Soni and Mbah. Then I would ask him to repeat again what I had reminded him about being a kind of child he should become and he would recites the statement I had taught him. Then I would tell him, "Love all and Heru is number One." And just before he went to sleep I would say to him, "I love you my son" and he would reply, "I love you too, Papi." I would kiss him on his cheeks and he would kiss me on my cheeks. He would go to sleep after those ritual together.
Once, he had told me that he did not want a brother, which he meant was my baby son that was due to be born. He said that if he had a brother later, I would not love him and I would love his brother. I reminded him about the values and principles I had taught him, "Love all and Heru is number One." Then he felt assured and he told me that later when his brother was born, "Heru will follow brother." He would give all his toys for his brother to play with and he would take care of him.
Yani and I had thought about a name for our unborn son. We listed down all the names on a piece of paper and at the end, the name Johan was the choice that Yani had chosen for our son to be. She had explained to me that the name Johan was easy to remember and in short, she could even call him "Jo", which sounded similar like my pet name "Joe." So, we agreed on that name and partly I had told Yani that in Malay language, the name Johan means "Juara" or Champion. It also means indirectly "NUMBER ONE" or a "HERO."
What did Heru mean by "I will follow Brother?" Did he mean that he would reincarnate as my son or did he mean that he would become an angel for my son? I did not ask him about what he meant by that statement because it had never crossed my mind. After I had returned to Singapore, I had pondered on Heru's statement myriad of times just to make myself understood more the plausible meaning of his statement.
Once, Heru had told me that if I wanted to follow him back to his world, I should not love Mami Yani because if I did love Mami Yani, I would be miserable seeing Mami Yani crying and mourning for me. That would make me into a soul of miseries instead of being a soul of happiness in the world of the unseen.
Once at home, Heru asked me, "Papi, who is Mami Asmah?" I had no idea how to tell him about Noorasmah. Heru even asked me whether Mami Asmah was beautiful and kind. I was not prepared for this kind of questions so I had to lie to him that she was only a woman I had known before and she hated me. Heru asked me this again after that, "How pretty is Mami Asmah?" I lied to him that Mami Asmah was not pretty but ulgy. Then he said, "Papi lie. Papi lie to Heru. Mami Asmah is pretty and Mami Asmah is a kind person. Papi lie to Heru. Heru want Mami Asmah! Heru want Mami Asmah! If Papi loves Heru, Papi must return to Mami Asmah. Heru want Mami Asmah as Heru's Mami. Mami Yani is not pretty and Mami Yani is not as kind as Mami Asmah!" He was crying loudly as he spoke. I had to reason to him that if Mami Yani was not pretty, why was it that men always looked at her. If Mami Yani was not kind, why would I marry her. He listened to me and then he looked at me. Then he smiled happily and he looked like he felt assured too that I had chosen the right woman for him as a Mother and for myself as a Wife. Inside my heart, I knew Heru watched me closely to see whether I was sincere with my answers to him. I could feel that Heru knew that I was lying to him but he kept it to himself.
Once I had asked Heru how he could possess or come to my world and what was or were the praying verses or mantras from his world that he had uttered to come to the physical world. He said that Mbah, the former old lady that lived next to the river bank, that had taken care of him, had taught him the praying verses. I had requested him to reveal the praying verses to me but instead he hummed the tune of the praying verses so that I would not know the praying verses. He said many times too that he had failed to come to meet me through Mami Yani but he kept on trying until it worked.
One month before the Indonesian Immigration apprehended me, I dreamt of a white boy. He had blonde hair and deep blue eyes. He had freckles on his face. He looked like a boy of four years old. It could be my son in the spirit world and he had shown me his features so that I would remember him always and forever until my last breath. Maybe then I would know who was Heru when I reached the threshold of Hereafter.
On the morning of 6th December 1995, I was apprehended by the Indonesian Immigration at my house. Before that happened, around 7 a.m. in the morning, Yani and I was awakened by a strong gust of wind blowing through the windows and a vase of flowers had toppled from the table top onto the floor and it broke. We went back to sleep. Then around 8 a.m. we heard someone knocked the front gate and calling for me. I went out to see who it was and he took out his warrant of arrest from the Immigration Office and talked to me courteously to follow him for questioning. I followed him and they questioned me thoroughly and even though I had all the necessary papers to insinuate that I was an Indonesian citizen, they disbelieved me because they knew that the KTP (Identity Card) could be bought. They knew I was lying after questioning me about my place of origin. The Officer had questioned me about my place of origing in Indonesia and caught me lying about it. At the end I admitted to them that I was not an Indonesian nationality and I told them I was a Singaporean.
Yani told me that if I was going to be imprisoned, it was best that I should be imprisoned in my own country of Singapore. Yani was about seven and the half months into her pregnancy.
I was quarantined at the Immigration Building until the early evening of 14th of December 1995. A few hours before my departure, I said to Heru,"Please tell Impi Gordon and Immi Natalia not to forget Papi." I was to be transferred to Jakarta at Kalideras Detention Centre where all the illegal immigrants were detained.
The last time I saw Heru was at the entrance of the departure lobby where I had asked him whether he was alright. Heru nodded to me quietly and sadly without uttering any words. Then Yani and I walked into the Immigration Office at the Ngu Ngah Rai International Airport in Bali for me to be prepared to board the Garuda Airline to Jakarta. While waiting for the boarding time, I called for Heru many times but he did not show-up and I was worried for him because I felt sorrowful of leaving him.
Yani was a strong woman and when I was told to board the plane, she could not follow me to the boarding entrance. I kissed her on the forehead and told her to take good care of herself and our baby. I walked away with sorrowfulness in my heart and when I turned around to look at her and probably Heru too, they were crying very emotionally and with their right hand, they showed me a sign of ' I LOVE YOU.'
I was transferred to Jakarta because Singapore Embassy was in Jakarta and I needed to process my travel document for deportation. I was deported on the late evening of 29th December 1995 and upon reaching Singapore Changi International Airport, the CID detectives were already there, waiting for my arrival and they arrested me.
On 26th January 1996, I was sentenced to imprisonment. It was not easy for me to adapt into the prison life because I was never a criminal before but I had no choice, I must adapt to the environment. After I had adapted myself to the environment, I saw myself as a man who was not a good man in the past. I told myself that I needed to change my ways so that in the future I could become a man who wishes to become a better man.
In the beginning I had used religion to make myself happy in my life as an inmate. At the end I loss my religion because I found blissfulness without any organised religion, but deep within my heart, I know my Faith is with God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life. He is the Unknown God, Who has no forms, shapes and names. Humans gave Him names to identify Him and religions were created by mankind to associate themselves with Him. His Essence of Life is the whole mother earth and the whole universe. We are all His Creation; and mankind is mankind and God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life is God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life. Nobody is greater than Him.
JUNE 2003
Recently, I met Yani and my son Johan in Singapore. I told Yani about all the spirit followers of hers in the past and she felt frightened. She disbelieved me and told me that I was talking nonsense. I tried to call Margarita, Natalia, Gordon, Budi, Soni and Heru by whispering within my heart and mind. They did not make themselves available for me to talk to them.
When I talked to my son Johan, I asked him what kind of child he should become and he replied, " Johan must be healthy and intelligent." When I asked him whether he knew any boy by the name of Heru, he replied, "Who is Heru?" Then he told me that he has a child friend with him. When I asked him who was it, he said it was a secret between them.
Yani said that she was not willing to become my wife because she felt I was not like her husband anymore but we shall remain in contact with each other for our son Johan. I was unable to stop her and she felt I have no right to stop her from marrying other man who was better than I am.
I have loss her as my wife and I wondered whether I have also loss my spirit family of Indonesia. They could follow me and I would not know about it would I? It is up to them to communicate with me now since I can use my own body and mind to communicate with the unseen world. So far I have yet to establish any confirmed communication with them because I would not know whether they would like to make known to me who they really were? I wish they can trust me like the way I trusted them in the past. I wish they are still my family from the spiritual world.
AND
I DIED IN BALI
"Please tell Impi Gordon and Immi Natalia not to forget Papi."
Mochamad Robi Hussein alias Zulkifli Mahmood (14th December 1995, Bali)
Somewhere in the middle of 1994, Yani and I were at the mini-restaurant during the day taking care of the business. While we were sitting and talking about matters pertaining to our business at the table outside the mini-restaurant next to a pathway, Natalia suddenly spoke to me. Yani was not even in a dazed when that happened. I was not surprised because this happened quite often until I was so accustomed to it. She asked me whether I could give her Rp 20000 because there was a cash shortaged after sending Mbah to see a doctor in her world. She said that Mbah was sitting on an empty chair opposite of her. I asked her what had happened to Mbah and she mentioned that after Mbah had gone back to see her family back in Jogyakarta, Central Java, she became sicked quite oftenly. Natalia had mentioned to me weeks before that Mbah had gone back to her village to visit her family there. So, I told her to take the money from the cash drawer. She went to the cash drawer and put her hands inside it. I noticed that Yani was like in a dazed for about fifteen seconds or so. I did not bother to go near her to see what was happening because I knew that she would not like it; and the employees were busy doing their worked at the front, inside and back in the kitchen of the mini-restaurant. After that, she came back to me and told me that she had taken the money. Mbah had helped her to do that. I just believed her and I told her to take care of Mbah and make-sured that Mbah had enough rest. Natalia kissed me on my cheek and left Yani's body. Yani was in a dazed for a few seconds and I shook Yani's hand to wake her up. Well, we did continue our conversation because she seemed like confused of what to talk about. Later I did not check the cash drawer whether there was a cash shortaged because I did not even know how much was the cash balance or cash in from the sales for that day and I did not even bothered to counter checked it because for me Rp 20000 was a small amount.
We bought a bicycle for Yani to cycle around Kuta when she felt bored at the mini-restaurant. One evening, after she had cycled to a nearby night market to buy some fruits, she told me that she had fallen into a small drainage while cycling. She was aware that she had fallen into the small drainage because the front handle of the cycling was shaky and she was not hurt. She showed me the minor scratched on her lower right leg. After having said that, Yani's familiar voice suddenly changed to Heru's voice and Heru smiled at me. His eyes was wide opened and Heru blamed Soni for shaking the bicycle's front handle while Mami Yani was cycling; and Budi was sitting at the back of the bicycle. Soni wanted to control the bicycle for himself. I laughed and I was a little angry with Soni too for being foolished for it was lucky that this incident had happened at the shortcut route of a small deserted street that Yani had taken. Soni met me and he bit his right forefinger at the corner of his mouth. He looked down and I could see that he was also afraid of me that I might scold him. I told him nicely not to do that again. He looked up at me and said "Sorry. Om Bi" softly and he gave me a happy smile before he left Yani's body.
There was one occasion whereby, Yani was sillied by the dogs while she was riding the bicycle. The dogs were barking all around her and she nearly fell down. Later, Heru told me that the dogs were chasing after Mami Yani because Soni, Budi and Heru were with her. And Mami Yani was not aware of those dogs because Soni, Budi and Heru were riding the bicycle. I saw the dogs were crowding around Yani from a distance while I was sitting at one of the table outside the mini-restaurant. I ran to her but before I reached her, the dogs all went away. I had noticed Yani stopped and stared at the dogs and they all ran away, just like that.
My car broke down one day and I had sent the car for a repaired at the workshop. So, during those periods when I had no car to drive to work, we had to take the public transport called by the local as "Bimo" or a van. While waiting for the "Bimo" by the road side, Heru was talking to me. I asked Heru, how he followed his Mami. Using his hands, he pointed and told me that he could follow Mami Yani by sitting on the her elbows, legs, chest, shoulder and head. I did not understand what he meant by that and I was also puzzled with his explanations. I did not know how to question him anymore, especially about the elbows, legs and chest but I could imagine about how he would follow Yani on her head and shoulders. I had imagined that he would either sit on Yani's head or shoulders. So I asked him where he would normally sit. Heru told me that he would normally sit on Yani's right shoulder.
When it was night time in his world he said that he would on all the lights in the house in his world. He would use a stool to stand on and switched on all the lights and later in the morning when Mbah came to fetch him home to Natalia's home and if he was not at home because he followed me to the mini-restaurant, Mbah would off all the lights for him.
In April 1995, Yani went to Jakarta for two weeks holiday on her own. I stayed behind to take care of our food business. Natalia, Budi, Soni and Heru followed her. Natalia told me that she wanted to see Mbak Margarita and Gordon would stay behind to take care of his business in the spirit's world. Upon their returned, Heru told me that the house of Tante Rita was huge and they had everything. He said that they were chauffeured around in Jakarta in a maroon colour car and he played with the elevators in tall buildings. He also said that Tante Rita had a big stomach and she was unabled to do many things with them. He had enjoyed the train ride from Jakarta to Surabaya; and from Surabaya they took a flight back to Bali. He said that when Impi Gordon saw them returned home, he hugged and kissed all of them.
Heru also told me everything that Mami Yani did while in Jakarta before she even tell me anything. Later, when I narrated to Yani some parts about her holiday in Jakarta, she was totally surprised. Yani had stayed in a small hotel in Jakarta and she went to see her old friends. She also went to an amusement park "Dunia Fantasi" (Fantasy World) in Jakarta at Ancol and she even went to a discotheque in Jakarta alone. There, she met a man. Heru told me all these and when Yani told me what she did in Jakarta, I listened to her like I heard it for the first time. She left out the discotheque and the man she had met there. When I told her about her outing to a discotheque and meeting a man there, she was very shocked. I could see that she felt guilty conscience. She showed me the business card of that man she met in the discotheque. She told me that the man had invited her to his room but she had rejected his offer. He gave her his card should she changed her mind. I was not jealous or angry but I was wondering why she had left that part of the story from me. She thought that I had learned the art of mind reading or I had learned the art of black magic before I knew her. I kept my secret from her about Heru. Heru was liked a spy for me.
A month and the half past then Yani told me that she was pregnant and we went to see a doctor for a medical examination. The doctor scolded me for not sending Yani sooner for the medical examination. I took his scolding and from that day onward Yani went for her medical checked up regularly. We saw on the ultra sonar monitor that the baby was going to be a boy. We were so happy.
It came to my mind about Heru's information about Margarita's stomach that was big and she could not do many things with them. Was Heru implying to me that Margarita was Mami Yani or was he trying to tell me that Mami Yani was already pregnant or was she going to be pregnant?
Adi had a front tooth missing and once Heru had commented to me that Budi had a front tooth missing too. Was he implying to me that Budi was Adi? Was it a coincidence or was it a fictitious story from Heru?
I remembered the comment I had made about 'angels' or 'guardian spirits', that they could cross-over to another human being's mind or getting their Selves involved in humans' lives to do their angelic mission. I am very sure now that souls of humans could do that in the world of Hereafter. I think that was what Heru meant.
One day, Heru asked me for a 'nen-nen' during Yani's pregnancy. He had asked me when he wanted to sleep. So, I told him back then that Mami Yani could give him the 'nen-nen' now and why not asked her. Heru was reluctant at first but I had told him that Mami Yani would not mind at all and she would not scold him. Then he left Yani's body.
After a few minutes while I was still waiting to see what would happen after Heru had requested for that 'nen-nen', I heard Yani talked in her sleep. "What! Oh! So pitiful, come." In her sleep, she pulled-up her T-shirt and opened the right cup of her bra and her right breast was exposed. I was anxious and I observed it very carefully. I had actually seen some slight movements on her right breast's nipple was moving as though someone was suckling it but there was no breast milk coming out of it. Yani even had used her left hand to do stroke motions as though she was stroking someone's head and her face was looking at her right breast but her eyes were closed. At one time Yani had even exclaimed loudly, "Ouch! Don't bite." This went on for a few minutes and then Yani closed up the right cup of her bra and slept quietly. Then Heru came to meet me with his happy childish smile. I asked him whether it was nice and he was smiling shyly but he was happy. So, I told him that the next time he wanted to 'nen-nen', he could just ask Mami Yani for it.
When Yani woke-up from her sleep next morning, I asked her whether she had dreamt anything. She said that she had dreamt of a white boy who told her that he had never 'nen-nen' before because he did not have a mother and then she had breast fed the boy because she felt sympathetic for him.
Once, Heru told me that Mbah had caught him 'nen-nen' on Mami Yani and she had teased him for doing that because he was a big boy already and not a baby anymore. He told me that he felt shameful when Mbah had teased him.
One day, Yani's father, Pak Sardi, and Yani's younger sister, Nuraini, came to Bali. He had wished for Nuraini to be in Bali and continued her studies in Bali. She had completed her SD 6 (Primary School education) and she would like to study in Bali together with her brother, Rosman. She needed to be registered in SMP 1 (Secondary School One) but we had failed to secure her education in Bali because partly our finances were constrained and she would have to wait for another year to be in SMP 1.
I was ashamed of myself for failing my responsibility as a man and as a brother to Nuraini. I regretted for not trying harder to secure her position in a SMP school in Bali. So, during her period of staying with us in Bali, Nuraini had helped us with the house worked and we brought her along to the mini-restaurant once in a while only. We also went out together as a family to various places in Bali.
Usually, everynight before I put Heru to sleep, Heru would climb up on my back as though he was the rider and I was the horse. Heru loved that game. Sometimes he would request for a story but I was not a story teller back then and normally he would tell me about Natalia, Gordon, Soni, Budi or Mbah had done at Natalia's house. Before I lullaby him to sleep, usually I would tell him to say the prayer that I had taught him. Then after that, I would remind him that he should become a child who was healthy, intelligent, that listens and loves Immi, Impi, Mami, Papi, Budi, Soni and Mbah. Then I would ask him to repeat again what I had reminded him about being a kind of child he should become and he would recites the statement I had taught him. Then I would tell him, "Love all and Heru is number One." And just before he went to sleep I would say to him, "I love you my son" and he would reply, "I love you too, Papi." I would kiss him on his cheeks and he would kiss me on my cheeks. He would go to sleep after those ritual together.
Once, he had told me that he did not want a brother, which he meant was my baby son that was due to be born. He said that if he had a brother later, I would not love him and I would love his brother. I reminded him about the values and principles I had taught him, "Love all and Heru is number One." Then he felt assured and he told me that later when his brother was born, "Heru will follow brother." He would give all his toys for his brother to play with and he would take care of him.
Yani and I had thought about a name for our unborn son. We listed down all the names on a piece of paper and at the end, the name Johan was the choice that Yani had chosen for our son to be. She had explained to me that the name Johan was easy to remember and in short, she could even call him "Jo", which sounded similar like my pet name "Joe." So, we agreed on that name and partly I had told Yani that in Malay language, the name Johan means "Juara" or Champion. It also means indirectly "NUMBER ONE" or a "HERO."
What did Heru mean by "I will follow Brother?" Did he mean that he would reincarnate as my son or did he mean that he would become an angel for my son? I did not ask him about what he meant by that statement because it had never crossed my mind. After I had returned to Singapore, I had pondered on Heru's statement myriad of times just to make myself understood more the plausible meaning of his statement.
Once, Heru had told me that if I wanted to follow him back to his world, I should not love Mami Yani because if I did love Mami Yani, I would be miserable seeing Mami Yani crying and mourning for me. That would make me into a soul of miseries instead of being a soul of happiness in the world of the unseen.
Once at home, Heru asked me, "Papi, who is Mami Asmah?" I had no idea how to tell him about Noorasmah. Heru even asked me whether Mami Asmah was beautiful and kind. I was not prepared for this kind of questions so I had to lie to him that she was only a woman I had known before and she hated me. Heru asked me this again after that, "How pretty is Mami Asmah?" I lied to him that Mami Asmah was not pretty but ulgy. Then he said, "Papi lie. Papi lie to Heru. Mami Asmah is pretty and Mami Asmah is a kind person. Papi lie to Heru. Heru want Mami Asmah! Heru want Mami Asmah! If Papi loves Heru, Papi must return to Mami Asmah. Heru want Mami Asmah as Heru's Mami. Mami Yani is not pretty and Mami Yani is not as kind as Mami Asmah!" He was crying loudly as he spoke. I had to reason to him that if Mami Yani was not pretty, why was it that men always looked at her. If Mami Yani was not kind, why would I marry her. He listened to me and then he looked at me. Then he smiled happily and he looked like he felt assured too that I had chosen the right woman for him as a Mother and for myself as a Wife. Inside my heart, I knew Heru watched me closely to see whether I was sincere with my answers to him. I could feel that Heru knew that I was lying to him but he kept it to himself.
Once I had asked Heru how he could possess or come to my world and what was or were the praying verses or mantras from his world that he had uttered to come to the physical world. He said that Mbah, the former old lady that lived next to the river bank, that had taken care of him, had taught him the praying verses. I had requested him to reveal the praying verses to me but instead he hummed the tune of the praying verses so that I would not know the praying verses. He said many times too that he had failed to come to meet me through Mami Yani but he kept on trying until it worked.
One month before the Indonesian Immigration apprehended me, I dreamt of a white boy. He had blonde hair and deep blue eyes. He had freckles on his face. He looked like a boy of four years old. It could be my son in the spirit world and he had shown me his features so that I would remember him always and forever until my last breath. Maybe then I would know who was Heru when I reached the threshold of Hereafter.
On the morning of 6th December 1995, I was apprehended by the Indonesian Immigration at my house. Before that happened, around 7 a.m. in the morning, Yani and I was awakened by a strong gust of wind blowing through the windows and a vase of flowers had toppled from the table top onto the floor and it broke. We went back to sleep. Then around 8 a.m. we heard someone knocked the front gate and calling for me. I went out to see who it was and he took out his warrant of arrest from the Immigration Office and talked to me courteously to follow him for questioning. I followed him and they questioned me thoroughly and even though I had all the necessary papers to insinuate that I was an Indonesian citizen, they disbelieved me because they knew that the KTP (Identity Card) could be bought. They knew I was lying after questioning me about my place of origin. The Officer had questioned me about my place of origing in Indonesia and caught me lying about it. At the end I admitted to them that I was not an Indonesian nationality and I told them I was a Singaporean.
Yani told me that if I was going to be imprisoned, it was best that I should be imprisoned in my own country of Singapore. Yani was about seven and the half months into her pregnancy.
I was quarantined at the Immigration Building until the early evening of 14th of December 1995. A few hours before my departure, I said to Heru,"Please tell Impi Gordon and Immi Natalia not to forget Papi." I was to be transferred to Jakarta at Kalideras Detention Centre where all the illegal immigrants were detained.
The last time I saw Heru was at the entrance of the departure lobby where I had asked him whether he was alright. Heru nodded to me quietly and sadly without uttering any words. Then Yani and I walked into the Immigration Office at the Ngu Ngah Rai International Airport in Bali for me to be prepared to board the Garuda Airline to Jakarta. While waiting for the boarding time, I called for Heru many times but he did not show-up and I was worried for him because I felt sorrowful of leaving him.
Yani was a strong woman and when I was told to board the plane, she could not follow me to the boarding entrance. I kissed her on the forehead and told her to take good care of herself and our baby. I walked away with sorrowfulness in my heart and when I turned around to look at her and probably Heru too, they were crying very emotionally and with their right hand, they showed me a sign of ' I LOVE YOU.'
I was transferred to Jakarta because Singapore Embassy was in Jakarta and I needed to process my travel document for deportation. I was deported on the late evening of 29th December 1995 and upon reaching Singapore Changi International Airport, the CID detectives were already there, waiting for my arrival and they arrested me.
On 26th January 1996, I was sentenced to imprisonment. It was not easy for me to adapt into the prison life because I was never a criminal before but I had no choice, I must adapt to the environment. After I had adapted myself to the environment, I saw myself as a man who was not a good man in the past. I told myself that I needed to change my ways so that in the future I could become a man who wishes to become a better man.
In the beginning I had used religion to make myself happy in my life as an inmate. At the end I loss my religion because I found blissfulness without any organised religion, but deep within my heart, I know my Faith is with God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life. He is the Unknown God, Who has no forms, shapes and names. Humans gave Him names to identify Him and religions were created by mankind to associate themselves with Him. His Essence of Life is the whole mother earth and the whole universe. We are all His Creation; and mankind is mankind and God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life is God Almighty, The Creator of the Universe and Life. Nobody is greater than Him.
JUNE 2003
Recently, I met Yani and my son Johan in Singapore. I told Yani about all the spirit followers of hers in the past and she felt frightened. She disbelieved me and told me that I was talking nonsense. I tried to call Margarita, Natalia, Gordon, Budi, Soni and Heru by whispering within my heart and mind. They did not make themselves available for me to talk to them.
When I talked to my son Johan, I asked him what kind of child he should become and he replied, " Johan must be healthy and intelligent." When I asked him whether he knew any boy by the name of Heru, he replied, "Who is Heru?" Then he told me that he has a child friend with him. When I asked him who was it, he said it was a secret between them.
Yani said that she was not willing to become my wife because she felt I was not like her husband anymore but we shall remain in contact with each other for our son Johan. I was unable to stop her and she felt I have no right to stop her from marrying other man who was better than I am.
I have loss her as my wife and I wondered whether I have also loss my spirit family of Indonesia. They could follow me and I would not know about it would I? It is up to them to communicate with me now since I can use my own body and mind to communicate with the unseen world. So far I have yet to establish any confirmed communication with them because I would not know whether they would like to make known to me who they really were? I wish they can trust me like the way I trusted them in the past. I wish they are still my family from the spiritual world.
