Wednesday, January 10, 2007
LIFE - Mind Of A Mankind - Chapter Twenty-Seven
BEING A CHILD & AN ADULT
"Papi, who is Mami Asmah?"
Heru questioned me about Noorasmah.
In 1995, Bali.
Heru said that he had a good girlfriend next to our restaurant. There was a spirit girl named Melly and he had always played with her when he followed me to the restaurant. The shop next to our restaurant sold T-Shirts, Shorts and other clothing materials. A couple operated that clothing shop and they had a six years old son. They were very kind and helpful couple. Heru often talked to this couple's boy through Yani with his own childlike manner and many times the small boy commented, "Kamu omong kayak anak kecil" (You speak like a small child). I heard it myself and I laughed as I watched and listened to Heru and this small boy talked. I knew Heru was the one who was talking to this boy but this boy was very happy to talk to Heru. He did not know what was happening and I believed he did not tell his parents about Mbak Yani next door strange characteristics and behaviours.
He had also another girlfriend living next to Natalia's house named Annie and he had always played together with her too. Once in the evening, he took me for a walked around the neighbourhood because he wanted to show his friends in his world 'His Papi'. He was so proud of me. As we were walking along and passing by the neighbouring houses, he said to me that many people in his world were puzzled about his relationship with me. They were commenting something like this, "How come it could become like this?" He laughed and smiled at me with his tongue sticking out from his mouth. His cute expressions reminded me of a small kitten with its tongue sticking out like that. I did not know what they meant by that statement because Heru did not explain it to me and I did not ask him about it either.
Many times when Heru came to meet me while Yani was having menstruation, he disliked what he felt and he would go out as soon as possible. He would only see me for awhile.
He also disliked wearing the bra when he came to meet me. He would request for it to be taken off or loosen the bra. He said it felt uncomfortable.
Many times Yani and I quarrelled but Heru was always there to make me forgave her. I forgave her because I loved Heru like my son and I did not want to leave him. It seemed after my mother's death, Yani and I often quarrelled about our business operation, especially about financial matters.
Once in the late evening at home, Yani and I quarrelled again and this time she shouted at me to get out from her house. I took some of my clothings and put it inside my bag. Without my knowledge, while I was packing-up my clothings, she told Lek Mim to lock the front gate. So, I climbed over the fences and I started walking. The dogs were barking and howling when I walked passed Natalia's house. Then when I turned my head around, behind me I saw Yani was following me about thirty to forty metres away. When I stopped walking, she would also stop walking too. This went on until I nearly reached the main road. I thought of checking into a hotel in Kuta for a night and I really wanted to fly off from Bali and perhaps go to Batam island (which is very near to Singapore). Then, I decided to just stopped walking and waited for Yani. Yani came closed to me but it was not Yani. It was Heru's voice, "Papi, where are you going? Immi Natalia, Soni and Heru saw Papi walking with a bag in hand. We followed Papi. Why Papi sad?" I cried when I heard Heru said that to me. He held my hand and pulled me to return home. I could not leave him. So, I decided to return home and forgave Yani. Upon reaching home, I went straight to bed to sleep. The next day I just acted like nothing had happend between Yani and I. Yani did the same thing too.
There was another occasion when Yani and I was exchanging heated words with each other, then when she went to sit at the small reading room, Heru suddenly came out crying and said, "Why Papi and Mami Yani must quarrelled. If Papi loves Heru, please do not quarrelled." He managed to cool me down and I stopped arguing with Yani. I told him I would not worry Mami Yani and I would not make Heru cried again. He replied, "Papi si! Papi don't want to 'sayang-sayang' (make love) Mami Yani." Most of that time I was so busy with the business and I forgotten about making Yani happy too. I was too exhausted when I reached home every morning or during the late night. It was just like when I was with Noorasmah too. History repeated itself again.
There was one occasion in the afternoon, I was angry with Yani's behaviours. She seemed not like herself anymore and she had changed like a wicked woman. She always showed anger towards the staffs and to me. I tried to talk to her but she refused to listen to me anymore. So, I decided to go out instead of arguing with her because I did not wish to upset her or Heru. I knew Heru was near by somewhere. I went out to the car and turned on the car engine. Heru came out from the house and he just sat on the car front bonnet, refusing to come down. I saw him crying and I decided to abandon my planned of going out. I went inside the house again and Heru would talk to me like a son wanting his father to stay at home.
Once in the night, I managed to drive off and I was really angry with Yani when I left the house. As I drove off, I saw Yani came out from the house and she just sat in a chair at the front porch of the house. I drove to the airport and stopped the car by the road side. I just watched the planes taking off and landing. In my heart, I just felt like going to the airport and booked a ticket back to Singapore. I still had my Singapore Passport with me and faced whatever nightmares that I supposed to encounter in my own country. I was really not happy with my life in Bali too though most of the time I had managed to blind fold my eyes with the reality checked of my life with Yani in Pulau Dewata. I knew I had some unsolved problems with Noorasmah. I knew deep in my heart and soul that she was probably sufferring from my evil deeds upon her loving and pure heart. My conscience was telling me to see carefully what it was like to live with Noorasmah and Yani. It was like comparing an angel with a demon. I remembered I was also crying loudly inside the car. Only God knew how I felt at that moment. I really needed to find solace in my life.
After an hour later, I returned home. Upon reaching home, Heru came to meet me saying that he was confused. "Heru didn't know whom to follow. Mami or Papi." His face expression was very sad. I told him not to worry because I did not have the intention to leave him.
Once Yani and I were sitting at the front porch of the house. We had a slight misunderstanding and she was sitting quietly. Then, Heru spoke to me, "Papi, Mami is thinking of leaving Papi! Mami intent to leave Papi!" I asked him what else Yani was thinking. He said, "Mami is not happy with Papi because Papi don't want Mami." I told him to persuade his Mami to cool down. Then he said, "Mami don't want to listen si. Mami too don't want to listen to Papi anymore. Mami still wants to leave Papi." He was so unhappy with her too and I could see that his eyes were really wide open when he said that to me. He seemed afraid too about the possibilities of Yani's intention. He was really afraid of losing her and possibly me too. I told him to tell his Mami that if she leave me, I would commit suicide. That statement was only to make Yani's thoughts to think twice. I knew Heru could sort of whisper inside Yani's mind and probably she would listen to that little voice in her conscience. He was reluctant but he did what I had told him to say to Yani. While Heru was sort of whispering to Yani, I could see that his eyes was moving with confusion and I could also see that he was also worried about Yani's thoughts. Then Heru said, "Heru try to tell Mami but Mami still very stubborn. Mami don't care about Papi and Mami still wants to leave Papi. Heru cannot do anything. Mami very stubborn si and Papi don't want to show Papi's love to Mami si!" He was crying too because I saw that Heru was seeing Yani's mind and feeling Yani's emotion within herself too. Somehow another I managed to calm Yani down after Heru left Yani's body. Then she told me that she wanted time for herself and she told me that she wanted to stay somewhere for awhile. I queried her about where she wanted to go but she just said that she would come back again and I did not have to worry about her. I could not discourage her from going and I had to trust her words in good faith.
During her absence, I was also worried sick about her safety and about the possibilities that she might leave me too. If that happened, I would not know what to do. She went for a week and I had to take care of the business with Lek Mim and Adi. There was one night when I was at the restaurant, I saw a taxi by the road side and there was someone watching at the direction of the restaurant. It did not come to my mind that Yani was watching me. Later when she returned home, she told me that she went to a hotel to stay and true enough, she said that she had watched me in a taxi on one occasion during the night.
All these incidences had happened when the business was very slow during the low tourist season in the first half year of 1994. I remembered that the soccer World Cup competition was on too. So, maybe majority of the tourists went to U.S.A to see the soccer matches over there and majority of them probably had preferred to stay at their own country, placing their large amount bets and watched the historical event on television. It was the first time ever when the U.S. was the host for such great event and their own soccer team was also one of the main contender in 1994 World Cup competition.
Natalia came to see me one day to complain about Gordon. She said that Gordon was coming home late at night most of the time now and she sometimes quarrelled with him for this reason. He told Natalia to tell me that he was doing some other business too and that was antique business. He needed to scout for the antiques so that he could export it to Australia or other countries. I told Natalia to allow Gordon to have some time for himself to do his work and she as a wife should listen to him. I told Natalia to be understanding and let him do his business because he had a responsibility to fulfil. Natalia listened to me and then left Yani's body.
It seemed that she came to see me at the time when I too was coming back late most of the time and Yani was at home most of the time. I was wondering whether she was actually implying to me about my own mistakes of concentrating too much on my business. Maybe she was referring to me and probably Gordon was 'working' for me. Maybe he was my 'guardian angel'?
Natalia met me one day to inform me that Mas Anton and Ricky left for Jogyakarta, in Central Java. Natalia told me that Mas Anton felt that it was better for Ricky to come along with him to Jogyakarta too. Anton left without saying goodbye to me. That was the last news I heard about Mas Anton and Ricky.
Heru asked me where were Om Anton and Om Ricky because he had not seen them for quite sometimes. I told him that they went home to Java to stay at Om Anton's house. Now there were only Natalia, Gordon, Budi, Soni, Heru and Mbok left as my family in the spirit world.
Once, he saw many marks on my body. These marks were due to my illness of chicken poxs while I was about nine or ten years old. He asked me what were those marks. I jokingly told him that those marks were caused by bullet wounds. He giggled because he said that those marks were hero marks. I wondered why subconsciously I had remarked in that manner. Maybe I was 'Osman' and I did not know about it or maybe Osman was talking to Heru, knowingly that I could hear them.
Then Heru mentioned to me that he wanted to become a soldier or a policeman when he grows up. I disliked the sound of his ambition because living in Indonesia during that period and maybe till now, I had hated those uniform groups in Indonesia because most of them were corrupted. So, I told him about being a fighter pilot was much better than being a soldier or a policeman. He loved the idea because he loved aeroplanes. In fact I had mentioned to Yani that should we have a son, I would like to see him to become a pilot.
One night, Heru came to me. I was asleep but he woke me up and he told me that he was really feeling hungry. There was no food at home so I told him that probably we need to go out to buy some food for him. I was really exhausted but I saw his eyes were sad. I could not bear to see him sad and hungry. So, we dressed up and got ourselves ready to go to a nearby 24 hours Padang restaurant. Heru would normally wear a short for Yani when he dressed up for her.
Inside the car, while I was driving, suddenly, he cried and there were full of tears in his eyes. He was really crying. So I asked him why he was crying. He said, "When Heru all grown-up and when Papi already old, Heru will take care of Papi."
"Papi, who is Mami Asmah?"
Heru questioned me about Noorasmah.
In 1995, Bali.
Heru said that he had a good girlfriend next to our restaurant. There was a spirit girl named Melly and he had always played with her when he followed me to the restaurant. The shop next to our restaurant sold T-Shirts, Shorts and other clothing materials. A couple operated that clothing shop and they had a six years old son. They were very kind and helpful couple. Heru often talked to this couple's boy through Yani with his own childlike manner and many times the small boy commented, "Kamu omong kayak anak kecil" (You speak like a small child). I heard it myself and I laughed as I watched and listened to Heru and this small boy talked. I knew Heru was the one who was talking to this boy but this boy was very happy to talk to Heru. He did not know what was happening and I believed he did not tell his parents about Mbak Yani next door strange characteristics and behaviours.
He had also another girlfriend living next to Natalia's house named Annie and he had always played together with her too. Once in the evening, he took me for a walked around the neighbourhood because he wanted to show his friends in his world 'His Papi'. He was so proud of me. As we were walking along and passing by the neighbouring houses, he said to me that many people in his world were puzzled about his relationship with me. They were commenting something like this, "How come it could become like this?" He laughed and smiled at me with his tongue sticking out from his mouth. His cute expressions reminded me of a small kitten with its tongue sticking out like that. I did not know what they meant by that statement because Heru did not explain it to me and I did not ask him about it either.
Many times when Heru came to meet me while Yani was having menstruation, he disliked what he felt and he would go out as soon as possible. He would only see me for awhile.
He also disliked wearing the bra when he came to meet me. He would request for it to be taken off or loosen the bra. He said it felt uncomfortable.
Many times Yani and I quarrelled but Heru was always there to make me forgave her. I forgave her because I loved Heru like my son and I did not want to leave him. It seemed after my mother's death, Yani and I often quarrelled about our business operation, especially about financial matters.
Once in the late evening at home, Yani and I quarrelled again and this time she shouted at me to get out from her house. I took some of my clothings and put it inside my bag. Without my knowledge, while I was packing-up my clothings, she told Lek Mim to lock the front gate. So, I climbed over the fences and I started walking. The dogs were barking and howling when I walked passed Natalia's house. Then when I turned my head around, behind me I saw Yani was following me about thirty to forty metres away. When I stopped walking, she would also stop walking too. This went on until I nearly reached the main road. I thought of checking into a hotel in Kuta for a night and I really wanted to fly off from Bali and perhaps go to Batam island (which is very near to Singapore). Then, I decided to just stopped walking and waited for Yani. Yani came closed to me but it was not Yani. It was Heru's voice, "Papi, where are you going? Immi Natalia, Soni and Heru saw Papi walking with a bag in hand. We followed Papi. Why Papi sad?" I cried when I heard Heru said that to me. He held my hand and pulled me to return home. I could not leave him. So, I decided to return home and forgave Yani. Upon reaching home, I went straight to bed to sleep. The next day I just acted like nothing had happend between Yani and I. Yani did the same thing too.
There was another occasion when Yani and I was exchanging heated words with each other, then when she went to sit at the small reading room, Heru suddenly came out crying and said, "Why Papi and Mami Yani must quarrelled. If Papi loves Heru, please do not quarrelled." He managed to cool me down and I stopped arguing with Yani. I told him I would not worry Mami Yani and I would not make Heru cried again. He replied, "Papi si! Papi don't want to 'sayang-sayang' (make love) Mami Yani." Most of that time I was so busy with the business and I forgotten about making Yani happy too. I was too exhausted when I reached home every morning or during the late night. It was just like when I was with Noorasmah too. History repeated itself again.
There was one occasion in the afternoon, I was angry with Yani's behaviours. She seemed not like herself anymore and she had changed like a wicked woman. She always showed anger towards the staffs and to me. I tried to talk to her but she refused to listen to me anymore. So, I decided to go out instead of arguing with her because I did not wish to upset her or Heru. I knew Heru was near by somewhere. I went out to the car and turned on the car engine. Heru came out from the house and he just sat on the car front bonnet, refusing to come down. I saw him crying and I decided to abandon my planned of going out. I went inside the house again and Heru would talk to me like a son wanting his father to stay at home.
Once in the night, I managed to drive off and I was really angry with Yani when I left the house. As I drove off, I saw Yani came out from the house and she just sat in a chair at the front porch of the house. I drove to the airport and stopped the car by the road side. I just watched the planes taking off and landing. In my heart, I just felt like going to the airport and booked a ticket back to Singapore. I still had my Singapore Passport with me and faced whatever nightmares that I supposed to encounter in my own country. I was really not happy with my life in Bali too though most of the time I had managed to blind fold my eyes with the reality checked of my life with Yani in Pulau Dewata. I knew I had some unsolved problems with Noorasmah. I knew deep in my heart and soul that she was probably sufferring from my evil deeds upon her loving and pure heart. My conscience was telling me to see carefully what it was like to live with Noorasmah and Yani. It was like comparing an angel with a demon. I remembered I was also crying loudly inside the car. Only God knew how I felt at that moment. I really needed to find solace in my life.
After an hour later, I returned home. Upon reaching home, Heru came to meet me saying that he was confused. "Heru didn't know whom to follow. Mami or Papi." His face expression was very sad. I told him not to worry because I did not have the intention to leave him.
Once Yani and I were sitting at the front porch of the house. We had a slight misunderstanding and she was sitting quietly. Then, Heru spoke to me, "Papi, Mami is thinking of leaving Papi! Mami intent to leave Papi!" I asked him what else Yani was thinking. He said, "Mami is not happy with Papi because Papi don't want Mami." I told him to persuade his Mami to cool down. Then he said, "Mami don't want to listen si. Mami too don't want to listen to Papi anymore. Mami still wants to leave Papi." He was so unhappy with her too and I could see that his eyes were really wide open when he said that to me. He seemed afraid too about the possibilities of Yani's intention. He was really afraid of losing her and possibly me too. I told him to tell his Mami that if she leave me, I would commit suicide. That statement was only to make Yani's thoughts to think twice. I knew Heru could sort of whisper inside Yani's mind and probably she would listen to that little voice in her conscience. He was reluctant but he did what I had told him to say to Yani. While Heru was sort of whispering to Yani, I could see that his eyes was moving with confusion and I could also see that he was also worried about Yani's thoughts. Then Heru said, "Heru try to tell Mami but Mami still very stubborn. Mami don't care about Papi and Mami still wants to leave Papi. Heru cannot do anything. Mami very stubborn si and Papi don't want to show Papi's love to Mami si!" He was crying too because I saw that Heru was seeing Yani's mind and feeling Yani's emotion within herself too. Somehow another I managed to calm Yani down after Heru left Yani's body. Then she told me that she wanted time for herself and she told me that she wanted to stay somewhere for awhile. I queried her about where she wanted to go but she just said that she would come back again and I did not have to worry about her. I could not discourage her from going and I had to trust her words in good faith.
During her absence, I was also worried sick about her safety and about the possibilities that she might leave me too. If that happened, I would not know what to do. She went for a week and I had to take care of the business with Lek Mim and Adi. There was one night when I was at the restaurant, I saw a taxi by the road side and there was someone watching at the direction of the restaurant. It did not come to my mind that Yani was watching me. Later when she returned home, she told me that she went to a hotel to stay and true enough, she said that she had watched me in a taxi on one occasion during the night.
All these incidences had happened when the business was very slow during the low tourist season in the first half year of 1994. I remembered that the soccer World Cup competition was on too. So, maybe majority of the tourists went to U.S.A to see the soccer matches over there and majority of them probably had preferred to stay at their own country, placing their large amount bets and watched the historical event on television. It was the first time ever when the U.S. was the host for such great event and their own soccer team was also one of the main contender in 1994 World Cup competition.
Natalia came to see me one day to complain about Gordon. She said that Gordon was coming home late at night most of the time now and she sometimes quarrelled with him for this reason. He told Natalia to tell me that he was doing some other business too and that was antique business. He needed to scout for the antiques so that he could export it to Australia or other countries. I told Natalia to allow Gordon to have some time for himself to do his work and she as a wife should listen to him. I told Natalia to be understanding and let him do his business because he had a responsibility to fulfil. Natalia listened to me and then left Yani's body.
It seemed that she came to see me at the time when I too was coming back late most of the time and Yani was at home most of the time. I was wondering whether she was actually implying to me about my own mistakes of concentrating too much on my business. Maybe she was referring to me and probably Gordon was 'working' for me. Maybe he was my 'guardian angel'?
Natalia met me one day to inform me that Mas Anton and Ricky left for Jogyakarta, in Central Java. Natalia told me that Mas Anton felt that it was better for Ricky to come along with him to Jogyakarta too. Anton left without saying goodbye to me. That was the last news I heard about Mas Anton and Ricky.
Heru asked me where were Om Anton and Om Ricky because he had not seen them for quite sometimes. I told him that they went home to Java to stay at Om Anton's house. Now there were only Natalia, Gordon, Budi, Soni, Heru and Mbok left as my family in the spirit world.
Once, he saw many marks on my body. These marks were due to my illness of chicken poxs while I was about nine or ten years old. He asked me what were those marks. I jokingly told him that those marks were caused by bullet wounds. He giggled because he said that those marks were hero marks. I wondered why subconsciously I had remarked in that manner. Maybe I was 'Osman' and I did not know about it or maybe Osman was talking to Heru, knowingly that I could hear them.
Then Heru mentioned to me that he wanted to become a soldier or a policeman when he grows up. I disliked the sound of his ambition because living in Indonesia during that period and maybe till now, I had hated those uniform groups in Indonesia because most of them were corrupted. So, I told him about being a fighter pilot was much better than being a soldier or a policeman. He loved the idea because he loved aeroplanes. In fact I had mentioned to Yani that should we have a son, I would like to see him to become a pilot.
One night, Heru came to me. I was asleep but he woke me up and he told me that he was really feeling hungry. There was no food at home so I told him that probably we need to go out to buy some food for him. I was really exhausted but I saw his eyes were sad. I could not bear to see him sad and hungry. So, we dressed up and got ourselves ready to go to a nearby 24 hours Padang restaurant. Heru would normally wear a short for Yani when he dressed up for her.
Inside the car, while I was driving, suddenly, he cried and there were full of tears in his eyes. He was really crying. So I asked him why he was crying. He said, "When Heru all grown-up and when Papi already old, Heru will take care of Papi."
# posted by Zulkifli @ 11:35 PM 
